If they do initiate a conversation, make space for their words without necessarily feeling the need to interject. Without any magical thing to say to make it all better, just give them the space to express themselves and feel heard. I personally found comfort in others agreeing that things were shit. I personally felt very isolated being 24 and not knowing anyone else going through the same thing. At a ripened 31 now, this has changed quite a bit, and I gain a lot from talking to other members of the Dead Dads Club.
Linking members to any community like this could be hugely helpful. Being sad is lonely. The London streets outside were a mash-up of fireworks, cheering and loud gales of laughter following the popping of bottles and smashing of glasses — all while I lay in a ward bed wondering if my father would make it through the night.
All night long, I received messages from close friends and family — most crazily drunk, a few probably high, all just lovely. Knowing the world goes on despite your pain can feel alienating, but voices from the outside reminding you that they care, is the technological equivalent of having your hand held through it all.
My mother found comfort in an SOS system some of her girlfriends set up for her. She said she never used it, but slept better knowing that she could. But it definitely made me feel like death was dirty and that there was something unsayable about what was happening to us. You can say it. So try to figure out what they want to hear.
I just hate further upsetting already absolutely devastated people. If you think they can take it, make a horrible joke. My already-grim sense of humor only darkened during this period.
I still make jokes about my dad dying and found myself laughing through my tears every day in the hospital at the end with my family. Sadness and joy are intertwined and I know this not just from my own experience, but also from the label of a yogi tea I drank last week. Your call. What a helpful list this is! Anxiety about doing and saying the right thing is really natural.
And when it seems appropriate, ask sensitive questions—without being nosy—that invite the grieving person to openly express their feelings. Acknowledge the situation. Express your concern.
Let the bereaved talk about how their loved one died. People who are grieving may need to tell the story over and over again, sometimes in minute detail. Be patient. Repeating the story is a way of processing and accepting the death.
With each retelling, the pain lessens. Ask how your loved one feels. Remember, though, that grief is an intensely individual experience. Grief is a highly emotional experience, so the bereaved need to feel free to express their feelings—no matter how irrational—without fear of judgment, argument, or criticism.
Be genuine in your communication. Be willing to sit in silence. Often, comfort for them comes from simply being in your company. Offer your support. Ask what you can do for the grieving person. Offer to help with a specific task, such as helping with funeral arrangements, or just be there to hang out with or as a shoulder to cry on.
Nobody told me about any plan. Keep your beliefs to yourself unless asked. Besides, moving on is much easier said than done. Grief has a mind of its own and works at its own pace.
It is difficult for many grieving people to ask for help. They might feel guilty about receiving so much attention, fear being a burden to others, or simply be too depressed to reach out. What can I bring you from there? When can I come by and bring you some?
Your loved one will continue grieving long after the funeral is over and the cards and flowers have stopped. The length of the grieving process varies from person to person, but often lasts much longer than most people expect. Your bereaved friend or family member may need your support for months or even years. Continue your support over the long haul. Stay in touch with the grieving person, periodically checking in, dropping by, or sending letters or cards.
Once the funeral is over and the other mourners are gone, and the initial shock of the loss has worn off, your support is more valuable than ever. The pain of bereavement may never fully heal. Be sensitive to the fact that life may never feel the same. The bereaved person may learn to accept the loss.
The pain may lessen in intensity over time, but the sadness may never completely go away. Offer extra support on special days. Certain times and days of the year will be particularly hard for your grieving friend or family member.
Holidays, family milestones, birthdays, and anniversaries often reawaken grief. Be sensitive on these occasions. If a grieving friend or family member talks about suicide, seek help immediately.
Please read Suicide Prevention or call a suicide helpline:. Even very young children feel the pain of bereavement, but they learn how to express their grief by watching the adults around them. After a loss—particularly of a sibling or parent—children need support, stability, and honesty. They may also need extra reassurance that they will be cared for and kept safe. Answer any questions the child may have as truthfully as you can. Use very simple, honest, and concrete terms when explaining death to a child.
Listen to what they have to say without interrupting. Some people may not want to talk at all. Sometimes just having you in the same room and sitting together quietly can be reassuring. Try to create an environment where your friend or family member feels safe and can express what they're feeling. Their emotions may range from sadness to more unexpected emotions like anger. Respect how they feel. Some bereaved people frequently swing between grieving and getting on with their lives.
You may find that your friend or family member does this. Remember to keep anything that they share with you confidential unless you have their permission to share it more widely. Practical offers of help are often more useful than general ones. For example, you could offer to cook dinner, answer the phone or do their shopping. Someone who doesn't drive will appreciate being given lifts for important appointments. Be honest about the fact you want to help but are unsure how.
Ask them what they need. In the first few days and weeks after the death, the person will probably have lots of practical things to do. This is also when most family and friends make themselves available for support.
You might want to make a note of any dates or anniversaries that are likely to be particularly difficult and get in touch. It may be difficult for a grieving person to ask for help when they're already feeling vulnerable.
Let them know you're there for them and be sensitive to any changes in their mood. The reality is that bereaved people experience lots of difficult emotions which can sometimes make it hard to be around them. Try not to take any anger personally and give them space. There may be particular times that are difficult for your bereaved friend or family member. They may be busy at work during the week but find the weekends lonely.
Perhaps you could offer to watch a film together or go for a walk. If they want to, you could do things which remind them of the person who died.
That could be visiting a special place or looking through old pictures together. Just having some company will be supportive and reassuring. Tina, Dan, Tasneem and Ella share their experiences of grief. They talk about feelings of shock, anger, anxiety and loneliness. You might find that there are some things you can relate to. Bereavement Advice Centre.
Cruse Bereavement Care — has someone died? Restoring hope PDF. Cruse Bereavement Care Scotland. Contact NI — Northern Ireland's independent counselling service.
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